Tips To Bring A New Pooch Into Your Home

There’s a reason dog spelled backwards is GOD

Because dogs unconditionally love themselves and others. EVEN if they poop on themselves or others on the seawall in front of potential Tinder matches.

If you are thinking of getting a dog, it’s imperative you read this guide to know how to prepare for a dog.

Here are our top tips for preparing for GOD. I mean dog.

Exercise Is Pertinent Y’all

dog exercising

Everyone likes a person who works out. (Except for people who workout doing yoga.)

The same goes for dogs.

Dogs need to work out to maintain mental peace, physical agility and a nice ass. Ironically, the size of a dog isn’t a great predictor of how much exercise a dog needs.

For instance. Take the Great Dane. You would think they need to be attached to Cesar Millan’s roller skates 5 hours a day. But they are actually very low energy dogs and need little exercise.

So the cool thing is, you can pick a breed that suits your lifestyle and energy levels so you can exercise them the amount you want.

A general rule of paw is active breeds need a minimum of 30 minutes of hard aerobic exercise most days of the week, preferably daily and this can go up to 2 hours of regular exercise a day depending on the breed, age, and health of the dog.

You can also apparently pay people to walk your dog. Or marry a person who will walk your dog (and pick up toilet paper while they are at it).

Both ideas are great options.

Preparing For Potty Training

French bulldog sitting on toilet at home

Nobody wants their home to reek of urine (cept for maybe your dog). Dog urine emits an aromatic odour and it can also wreck your hardwood floors, walls and the person you married to walk your dog’s pink cardigan they left on the couch.

To help train your dog, buy them a crate to sleep in which is big enough for them to turn around in. Dogs don’t pee where they sleep. So the theory goes, once you take them out of the crate after sleeping or naps, immediately lead them to a pee pad or outside so that they can pee.

Once they pee, reward them with a treat and a YYoga certificate. If this is a lot harder than it sounds, get the help of an older dog to walk with your dog. Eventually your dog will follow when he or she sees the other dog peeing.

Appropriate Diet


Everyone knows dogs love wedding cakes

Ideally everyone wants to eat table scraps. Humans want to. Dogs want to. Your house ghost wants to. But table scraps are a big no no for doggies. Because it makes them pudgy which lowers their chances of finding a suitable mate to watch Friends reruns with.

It is essential to provide your dog with a healthy diet that is specific for the breed. For instance, Maxi can’t eat too much protein because it makes his skin itch. But if he eats too much dry food then his eyes water. You need to find food that works best for your dog through million dollar allergy testing, trial and error and a hope that after trying the 100th bag of dog food, you will find something that works.

Or you can choose food from some 5 star brands of dog food that are reviewed. Also, always read the label on the back and make sure you’re giving your dog the appropriate amount of food for his or her size and weight. Lastly, when you sit down for dinner, try your best to ignore your dog’s intense stares and telepathic messages to give him food.

Grooming Supplies


Finally, you should realize that your dog is going to get messy frequently. Especially if your dog is a boy – because that’s what boys do.

Dogs love trudging through the mud and rolling around in the dirt, grass, and kombucha that is left over by people who wear hats and picnic in parks.

To prepare yourself and your dignity for dog bathing, grab some good and natural dog shampoo and conditioner to bathe him and you are pretty much set for the amount of bathing you will do at home, which is pretty much when their feet or asses get dirty.

The rest (hair cutting, ear hair picking, nail trimming, anal gland emptying stuff, full bathing) can be done professionally every 4ish months at a professional dog groomer.

4ish months I hear you scream!

Yes ya’ll. It turns out the less you bathe dogs the better. Coz if you bathe ’em too much, their skin gets dry, which will also lower their chances of finding suitable mates in the Vancouver West End area. (Not in East Van.)

There you have it.

Summary: Get a dog. Walk him. Wash him. Find him a Tinder date. The End.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.